this is when i was happy

hit refresh and hope for something different
or something the same, i mean, but better,
still got that mix of sand in the swimtrunks
and shells sifting through your fingers
but this time with a vintage photo filter
and a snorkel cruise comin’,
the dolphins getting sassy in the air
water dripping all velvet off their noses
as they crest over top your head
but hey i’ve never snorkled
‘cept for in a Magic School Bus
game i used to boot up
on the old gateway 2000, dust
coughing out its vents and
all i’m sayin’ is it’s hard to recycle nostalgia
when some of it not actually real
some of it just that shit you pull
out your ears in bed when you can’t sleep
and you think
this is when i was happy
(with the dolphins)
and even if it ain’t true,
why can’t i have it now?
and why are all these red numbers
on my window so distracting?
and why
a dog ain’t your dog
‘til you post her running into a tennis net
on the internet and i wonder
what those webs been up to since i last checked
(3 minutes ago)
and sometimes a little pen on paper
the only way to escape
though i can’t seem to scratch out a rabbit hole
same ways as before
with a metaphor about the bird cage
and it wouldn’t matter if i could
cuz that metaphor is floatin’ in the zeroes by now
and everyone could and would see
the self-riffiffication
that is if they bothered to read the damn thing at all:
“i’d like to like that thing you posted i remember liking
but i’m a little busy right now with my life"
(looking at cat gifs) and
do i have a life?
and ain’t it just a little disingenuous
to blame your apps for this when everyone been struggling
with their grains of salt in the sea
long before Zuckie-B made his advertising scrapbook?
i could dredge up old memories
and write your ears off
(eyes off?)
‘bout how i used to snuggle with Ella the Beagle
under my parents’ bed
and i could gloss over how i used to do that cuz i was tired
and scared and bored with shit even at 6
and i could point to those moments
when i used to put my ear to her belly
and practice breathin’ the same way she breathed
and i could lament oh my god
will i ever feel that way again?
but hey
there’s an honest-to-jesus dog
lying on top my legs right now
and she’s got a cone round her head
and it’s makin’ her snort
cuz her wet, black nose is smooshed
against the plastic
and there’s some old drool
sliding down the ridges toward her eye
and her legs keep kickin’
when she sees a rabbit in her dreams
while she goes ruh ruh ruh
in a high-pitched not-so-intimidating squeak
and eff this
i got some petting to do